are we gonna fuckn hold hands tonight or what bitch
dude it’s so weird how when you’re a kid, socks were like the worst thing you could get on christmas but now it’s like hell yeah please give me some socks i own like two and a half pairs my feet are so cold
he’ll say “are you married?” we’ll say “wow those are pretty invasive questions for a snowman”
Creepiest Things Said by Kids
- 1: My daughter had an imaginary friend named Sally, she told me once about how Sally was in jail for chopping her mom’s head off….
- 2: My daughter when we were home alone one night, “mommy, who’s that man on the ceiling?”
- 3: “The shadow man keeps talking to me at my window.”
- 4: I was reading a story to my daughter when she suddenly slammed it shut, point to the empty doorway, and screamed “you get out of here! You’ve killed enough people!”
- 5: “I need to get my hands on a giant penis so I can put this fire out all the way!”
- 6: “Daddy, when can we get rid of that kid hanging in my closet?” I asked her what she was talking about and she told me all about a teenage boy who was hanging by a belt around his neck in her closet. I went to her closet there was nothing there, and she said he only is there when I’m not around.
- 7: “There are three dead kids buried in our back yard. They told me where we can find them.”
- 8: My five year old son once looked up at me while we were watching a movie and said, “I think I remember coming out of your no-no.”
- 9: “Mommy, there’s a kid covered in blood in my bedroom and he won’t go away.”
- 10: My 4yo shook me awake one night and asked if she could sleep with me because tonight the old woman at the window was being mean for some reason.
- 11: An 8 year old I used to teach had a hard time with eye contact and appropriate touch. He looked me straight in the eyes one morning, not missing a beat, and told me, “you know, I think you’d look a lot better if you were dead in my basement.”
- 12: “Mom, why is that lady from the cemetery sitting in my room?”
Maybe I was destined to forever fall in love with people I couldn’t have. Maybe there’s a whole assortment of impossible people waiting for me to find them. Waiting to make me feel the same impossibility over and over again.
i dont even know why i bother developing crushes if all im going to do is stare at you from a distance everyday until I mentally decide to break up with you
i identify most with raccoons because theyre really cute but belong in the trash
new years kiss? more like new years i’ll sit in the corner with my drink and watch everyone make out lol